June 3, 2012

Two Years Too Long

Your husband is dead from cancer, you're pregnant with twins, and you're 22. How do you deal with that? In my experience...you just....do.

While I do have an amazingly supportive network of family and friends who would never have let me just give up in the first place, even without that network, giving up was never an option for me. That's not to say it wasn't a pure desire of my heart and soul to do so, but, as I'm so often reminded of in this life, it's rarely about what I want, but rather what I need.

And I needed to keep going.

This post comes several days after the 2 year anniversary of Sean's death. I have about 18 other drafts here in my blogger account that I tried to write in the days preceding that anniversary as well as some that I tried to bang out that very day, but finding the words to express myself has been difficult, to say the least. 

What do you say about something like this? I miss him? Well of course I do. I want to remember him and all of the good things he was and stood for? I absolutely do. This whole situation is vast and complicated as are my emotions and feelings surrounding this topic and I'm not sure that I could ever adequately express everything that I'm feeling.

But then, I probably don't need to.

For those of you who would like a glimpse of the past, here are the links to Sean's blog that we kept going while he was undergoing treatment and my blog,where I vomited all of the feelings and emotions that plagued me following his death. 

Sometimes people measure their lives by their losses and gains. Here's what I lost two years ago:

My first husband
My children's biological father
My best friend
My partner
My biggest supporter
Our family's spiritual leader
An understanding of God's plan for my life
A good portion of my faith

Here's what I've gained in the last two years:

Two amazing daughters who have changed my life forever
A new husband
A new best friend
A new partner
A new supporter
Half of a second bachelor's degree
A new address
A new business
A new perspective on life

Here's what I'm still sorting out:

The "why" of it all
My faith and relationship with God
An understanding of God's plan for my life
How to step into the role of being the spiritual leader for my family

When someone you love dies, people tell you how sorry they are for you and how hard the days ahead will be, but they also tell you that you'll make it through and that somehow, everything will be okay again. What no one tells you is how conflicted you will feel--how torn a person can become--when you so earnestly pine for the life you once had while at the same time feeling blessed by the life that you have now. It's nothing short of exhausting.

I've begun to think that the key to finding peace is acceptance....and I'm thinking that since I still feel exhausted by all of this, I haven't fully reached that acceptance yet. I'm not sure that I ever will, but more optimistically, I'm not sure that I won't either. And that's at least someplace to start looking for hope again.

To put it all simply, I miss Sean, I may never understand why any of this happened, but I'm on the road to acceptance, and my life is pretty great right now. 

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